I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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