The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize