Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
