So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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