Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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