Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
