I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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