dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize