You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize