chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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