i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
