Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
