you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
