a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
