Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
