I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
