Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I just pynch a tree in the face
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
