He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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