I think I died a long time ago.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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