My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
