Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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