Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
