I threw up into my coffee this morning.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
