your parents love me but you hate me
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
