I hate all girls vehemently.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
