I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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