If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
