You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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