Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
