New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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