listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
