I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
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