she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize
