Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
