I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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