My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
