Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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