apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
