My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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