Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
FUCK WHALES
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
