Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
