While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize