watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize