i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
