woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Randomize