Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
