I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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