Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize