hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
When did angry sex become our thing?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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