we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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