I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize