Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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