I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
