Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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