There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
