Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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