Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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