I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
