I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
