When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
