her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
