so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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