Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
