btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
