i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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