I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Your cock deserves a montage
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
