I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Randomize
