Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
