Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Randomize