i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
