I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
im holly from the hills drunk
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
